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Every week, readers ask me to write more about how to curb post-grad loneliness, form lasting friendships and feel less disconnected. Many ask me how to find “third spaces,” places apart from home and work, within their communities. From my parent’s couch in South Bend, Ind., where I spend much of my time writing, I confess I’m not always sure how to answer.

Much of the writing on this topic is steeped in frustrating and familiar patterns of finger-pointing: at social media, the disappearance of community gatherings and third places, and a national trend of lower religious service attendance. But fixating on these institutional causes of loneliness distracts from a simple truth: finding more fulfilling social interactions is more about how we interact rather than where or with whom.

What friends of other ages — and life stages — can teach us

The advice given to lonely recent grads typically concerns changing one’s scenery — “take a class!” “Go to the office Christmas party!” “Go volunteer!” “Travel!” “Get on campus and reconnect with old college friends and alumni!”

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This advice is good, but incomplete. It’s not enough to simply be present at social spaces. When you’re “out there” in the world, you’ve got to make a move. Macy Mateer, a MFA student at the Savannah College of Art and Design, puts it this way: “Proximity to people is not the same as communion with people.”

Darcia Narvaez understands this well. She’s a developmental psychologist who explores how culture and childhood experiences contribute to human flourishing. In our conversation, Narvaez reminds me that a compassionate community can be built — and loneliness extinguished — simply by making a habit of talking to strangers in public. “At a grocery store,” she says, “ask the clerk, ‘How are you? How are things going today?’” Narvaez says these “mini connections” — speaking, laughing, making eye contact with others — help us all. “Everyone can do that with everybody around them. And that, again, alleviates some of that deeper loneliness we have.”

A friend of mine applied this technique by making small talk at her local dog park and ended up meeting some of her closest friends. She challenges recent grads: At any place where small talk is appropriate, go one step deeper. She offers me another tip: Making a group chat — rather than asking for individual numbers up front — can help new people get to know each other while reducing the social pressure on the initiator and the invitees.

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My friend’s tip reveals a broader point in the psychology of friend-making: When making friends, it helps to use the bandwagon effect to build a group. People are more likely to want to do something when they see others have already joined. When getting a group together, casually gauge interest with those you don’t know well. (“Hey, if a few of us got a volleyball group together, would you maybe be interested in joining?”) Once you have just one or two firm commits, circle back to those who were on the fence. You now have one or two volleyball teammates on the bandwagon, so it becomes easier for new people to say yes to your invite. The same rule applies to inviting friends of friends to your gatherings and events, or asking your invitees to bring someone else who might be interested.

It can be scary to initiate new friendships — we might not do it because deep down, we fear rejection. Or maybe we expect others to extend their hands to us in friendship, not knowing that they are simultaneously expecting us to do the same. When you need the confidence to ask if someone “wants to hang out socially,” it can be helpful to remember that lonely members of Gen Z aren’t, well, alone. German American psychologist Erik Erikson theorized that a struggle between intimacy and isolation was the defining developmental conflict between ages 19 and 40. Even in Erikson’s time, before Instagram and Snapchat, 20-somethings craved friendship, belonging and closeness. Seventy-three percent of Gen-Zers report feeling lonely sometimes or always. Moreover, we live in a country where over half of people report that no one knows them well. Chances are, the person you want to get to know, wants to get to know you too.

Revealing a desire to be friends with someone, or hinting that you need company, might feel embarrassing or vulnerable. (Incidentally, as a journalist, asking people to go on the record about it feels even more so.) But if you’re strong enough to endure loneliness, you’re strong enough to endure a “no thanks” from the person standing next to you at the dog park. As with most things worth doing, “the trick is not minding.”

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